This post is depressing. You should not read it if you want to smile.

Begin.

So, pretty much since the idea occurred to me about fifteen years ago or so, I always knew my future had some kind of art in it. At first, the idea was to become a comic book artist (I was fourteen -- it was *too* still a viable field!), and when I grew up a bit, I became less certain about the exact nature of my future. I kind of wanted to write too, and I discovered, thanks to Bhryn, that I really liked digital art. In fact, I loved it.

I was a year out of the Armed Forces, and knew I couldn't just keep doing some nine to five thing for the rest of my life, it wasn't in me. So I thought about college. Really thought about it, visiting campuses and doing research. It was then that I realized that you could actually get your degree in making video games. I was blown away... for me, that was like getting paid to eat delicious cookies. I've owned a console from every generation, back to the Atari 2600.

I didn't hesitate. No colleges nearby? Fine, I'll do the classes online. Sixty percent dropout rate? Who cares! I'm smart, disciplined, and I wanted it more than anything. Anything.

So, over the past four years I've worked full time and gone to school full time. I saw the 60% dropout rate happen right in front of me. Sometimes the coursework was too hard, some people weren't good enough artists, some couldn't keep up with everything we had to learn. But I could. I thrived on the challenge. I loved it. Even through the horrible shitty stuff, I felt like I was proving something to everyone.

And slowly, over time, it ate up more and more of my life. School *always* took priority. Had to break dates. Miss appointments. Miss holidays. Lose jobs. Lose friends. Alienate family. Four years of "school first" puts a lot of strain on a person's relationships. I didn't blame them. I even looked forward to making it up to them. When I was done and grauated and a real professional like everyone else I knew, I'd be set. Sure, it'd be tough a little with student loans, but I'd be making human money, not just subsistance, a scratch above the minimum wage like I have been since I graduated high school.

But I was doing it. 3+ GPA. Honor roll. Even dean's list a few times. Exemplary a ttendance. Wonderful engagement. Lauded by almost every professor I had, going out of my way to go above and beyond assignment criteria, and THEN helping other students...

December 19th was the date I kept in mind. I'm in my last semester of school. A month and a half.

School called today.

They'll still let me walk at graduation, as a kind of consolation, I guess. But after everything I've done, everything I gave up, and sacrificed, and pushed aside and put off... and I will have nothing to show for it.

I won't be getting a diploma.